Conflict Styles

by Kenneth Thomas & Ralph Kilmann

Methoden-Montag: Conflict Styles – Understanding How You Act in Conflict

Conflicts are part of our everyday lives—both at work and in our personal relationships. And yet, we often react automatically, without truly understanding why we act the way we do.

The conflict styles by Thomas & Kilmann bring clarity exactly at this point. They reveal the patterns behind our behavior and open up new ways to handle conflicts more consciously, confidently, and appropriately for the situation.

What is the method?

The conflict styles model was developed by psychologists Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann.

It describes five typical ways people respond to conflict situations, based on two key dimensions:

• Assertiveness (How strongly do I represent my own interests?)

• Cooperativeness (How important are the interests of others to me?)

These two axes make one thing clear:Our behavior in conflicts is not random—it follows certain patterns that we have often developed over many years.

This results in five conflict styles:

• Competing: I clearly prioritize my own interests

• Accommodating: The relationship is more important to me than my own concerns

• Avoiding: I withdraw from the conflict

• Compromising: Both sides move toward each other, but with concessions

• Collaborating: We work together to find the best possible solution

What’s important to understand:

👉 There is no “right” or “wrong” style.

👉 Each strategy can be useful—and even very smart—depending on the situation.

👉 What matters is how consciously we choose and how flexible we are.

Structure and application

The method is often used as a model or questionnaire (TKI – Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument).

In coaching, however, it can easily be applied without any formal test:

1. Introduction to the two dimensions

2. Explanation of the five conflict styles

3. Self-reflection:

   • What is my “default” style?

     → In other words: How do I typically react, almost automatically, when a conflict arises?

   • In which situations do I react differently?

     → Are there contexts (e.g. work vs. private life) where I consciously or unconsciously use a different style?

4. Reflection on real conflict situations

This not only creates awareness of one’s “standard pattern,” but also highlights that more flexibility already exists than we often assume.

How it is used in coaching

In coaching, I use this method in a very practical and hands-on way:

We start with a real conflict situation from everyday life.Together, we look at how you reacted and assign that behavior to a conflict style.

This is followed by reflection:

• What was helpful about your reaction?

• What might have been missing?

• What would you have wished for in hindsight?

The key step is then expanding your range of action:

👉 What other responses would have been possible?

👉 What do you need to be able to choose more consciously in the future?

This turns a single conflict into a valuable learning and development experience.

Practical example

A leader regularly avoids conflicts within their team. In the short term, this creates a sense of calm—but in the long term, tensions, lack of clarity, and underlying conflicts arise.

Working with the conflict styles makes the following visible:

👉 Their dominant style is avoiding

👉 At the same time, they desire more clarity and commitment within the team

In coaching, they gradually develop more confidence in addressing difficult topics—and begin to access the collaborating style more often.

The result: clearer communication, more trust within the team, and fewer unspoken conflicts.

Why this method is so powerful

The strength of this method lies in its clarity and immediate applicability:

• It makes unconscious behavior visible

• It creates understanding instead of judgment

• It expands your range of action

• It improves communication and collaboration

Because:It’s not about finding the “perfect” conflict style—but about being able to choose the most appropriate one for each situation.

Who is this method for?

This method is especially helpful for:

• Leaders

• Teams

• People facing recurring conflicts

• Anyone who wants to better understand their communication and behavior patterns

In short: for anyone who no longer wants to avoid or “endure” conflicts—but instead wants to shape them actively and consciously.

Conclusion

The conflict styles by Thomas & Kilmann are a powerful tool—not only for resolving conflicts, but for truly understanding them.

They help you take a step back and make more conscious decisions:How do I want to act in this situation?

If you would like to better understand your own conflict patterns and develop new, authentic ways of handling difficult conversations, I would be happy to support you in coaching.

👉 Feel free to reach out or book a non-binding initial consultation.

Yours, Johanna